The simple definition of Enmity according to Websters is "a very deep unfriendly feeling"
I believe the cause of a lot of anguish and despair is because of enmity. It happens when we believe lies about ourselves to the point of creating coping strategies that put us in survival mode. It happens when we are overly critical of others because they're not keeping up with the latest fad or if they do not match social status. It can also happen because another person is just not socially apt or thinks very different from you. One of this worlds greatest downfalls is because enmity is so easily masked or disguised by the counterfeit comforts that influence our emotional/mental/social survival techniques. We are driven to protect ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and so it is not an abnormal response to react with enmity.
What I would like to accomplish with this video is to help those caught in enmity to replace it with empathy or the ability to understand, at a deeper level, why others function the way they do. Especially when people you love do things that contradict their value system. Please remember that as humans we naturally seek places and people that are more empathic and very much shy away from those that have animosity toward us.
So, here are four steps to show more empathy when our natural response could be enmity.
1st- IDENTIFY the enmity we are facing. The enmity could disguise itself as disgust, extreme frustration, enmity-fueling gossip, or discovering the undesirable mote in someone's eye. It is essential to IDENTIFY the enmity.
2nd- Know this is NOT AN ABNORMAL response. When we are battling enmity we will naturally go to some feeling that creates an emotional/mental survival. It's not uncommon for us to want to survive, IT'S BUILT right into our brain. Most times this emotional survival is counterfeit and may even be satisfied by giving into the natural response to attack in subtle ways or even blow-ups. The idea though is to be easy on yourself and others by knowing you could have feelings of enmity even though unwanted.
3rd- SEPARATE the behavior from the person... who is created a bit different than you. Everyone has unique experiences in their life that shape the very person they are. In fact, 100% of their experiences shape their perception. It's not uncommon for a wife to have a differing point of view on parenting or even a coach of an athletic team that should be coaching your child better. Please know that enmity will always promote labels "delinquent," "disobedient," "offender," "snob" "exclusive." When we separate the behavior from the person with which we have enmity, it DISTRACTS THE BRAIN from creating uncomfortable LASTING ASSOCIATIONS. This is where empathy makes a big difference on the brain level.
4th- EMPATHIZE with that person. EVERY SINGLE one of us has our way of coping through hard times. There is a reason so and so goes to Gossip, Exclusivity, Pecking Orders as their defense mechanism. The way we empathize with them is to, at times, just GUESS! For example, "That is the way they were raised and I can appreciate and understand that perception" "There must be a reason why they are feeling insecure, maybe I can go lift them up or offer a listening ear" "I would also be very angry if I was facing such a demanding lifestyle" When we replace the enmity with empathy we actually will notice a personal difference psychologically and we will no longer reinforce, in our brain, so and so as the (perceived label).
What a greater world this would be if we were to replace enmity with empathy. Seeking to understand before we pass judgement. It softens our heart and promotes a place for others to feel welcomed and loved instead of excluded and scorned. I invite you to go through these steps if you have unwanted enmity with someone in your life. Life is full of relationships and full of people we don't understand so let's change the status quo and start understanding each other.
Cody Hawes LCSW is a clinician that specializes in addiction recovery, mental health recovery and marital therapy. To learn more about him please go to lifechangingservices.org.
