Secrets to Success    

I had to let it go and forgive my self. 

Story given anonymously by S.R.     

    Growing up I always wanted to go on a mission for my church, that was always one of my goals. I remember singing in primary "I Hope They Call Me On a Mission" it was always my favorite song! Little did I know then that later in life that goal would slowly fade away...I would be exposed to things I'd never imagined as a young innocent boy. 
     I went on with my normal life and did things as any other boy would do. Then, I was introduced to pornography, at that time I had no idea what it was. I knew that at church we talked about it, but leaders were always so vague and timid when talking about it I really had no idea what it was. I thought that what I was doing was just curiosity, that it was normal. Looking back I knew from that moment on it was something I would struggle with for a very long time.
     Years had gone by at this point and I knew that I had a problem. I didn't know what to do about it though. I just kept to myself about it hoping that it would just go away, that I could lie my way through this "part" of my life and still do all those things I wanted to do as a kid in primary. A few more years had passed and it had only gotten worse than before. It didn't just affect me any more, it affected everyone around me. The relationships with everyone around me suffered. I was always fighting with my parents and siblings, and I shut people out of my life. It was at this point when I hit the "I don't care anymore" point.
     This is when I stopped going to church, and started other bad habits like drinking that put a vice on my life.  I started down a road to nowhere and didn't have any desire to do anything else. This went on for a while, when I got to the point where I didn't know what to do. That's when I realized I had to change.
     This is when I found out about the Sons of Helaman program. I started attending there once a week. After going to that for a few weeks my desire to go back to church and to be a good person came back. I wanted to serve a mission again! I was so much happier with my life and the changes I was trying to make, but it was lots easier said than done. It was lots of work to be clean of these habits. I had been going for about three months when I took off and started to excel. I was at 7 weeks clean and my bishop let me start my mission papers, I was so excited! I got all my papers done and at 10 weeks he put them in to the steak president. All I had to do was meet with him and they would be ready to send in.
     The day before I was going to meet with him I lost (relapsed). I was depressed. I had told everyone that I had my papers almost in. I met with him the next day and he told me that I needed to build up another few months before I would be ready to put them in. This put me into a very depressed state of mind. I couldn't get more than a week clean for months and months. I was sad and depressed and I didn't know what to do. I was being humbled, I had to be taken all the way down.
     About 6 months after this had happened I was still losing almost daily. My morale was low and it appeared as though there was no where to go, I was stuck and there was no light at the end of this never ending tunnel. Soon after this in one of my Sunday school classes my teacher talked about forgiving ourselves. I knew that this lesson was for me! It was what I needed to hear, I had to learn to let it go and forgive my self.  
     Forgiving myself was a huge part of this process. Forgiving myself was letting go of all those things I had done. I couldn't keep dwelling on things I did in the past, I had to let it all go, I no longer let what I had done in the past affect what I was going to do in the future. Instead of thinking about myself as an addict and a loser...I told myself everyday was a new day to get closer to God and the people I love. I began to believe whole-heartedly that I was a righteous worthy son of God! The past would no longer keep me from my future and fulfilling my mission on this earth!    

     After I had done that it became a lot easier. And the only thing I wanted to do was to go on a mission. One night when I was praying before bed a thought came to my mind, and it was that I was ready to go. In my prayer I ask Heavenly Father to let my bishop and stake president know that I was ready.

     The next day I got a call from my bishop, he said he wanted to meet with me. I went in to him and he said that he thought I was ready! I was so excited, but the stake president had to approve too. So I set a meeting with him, and he said the same thing, that I was ready to go! I couldn't believe that my prayer had been answered over night. I haven't lost a battle since that day. And I know that our father in heaven is watching over us all. At times it feels like he's so far away, but that's how he builds our faith. And that is what he was doing with me to prepare me to serve a mission.

S.R.

8 weeks clean

This young man just received his mission call and is preparing ferociously to serve his Father in Heaven. 


Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW
Life Changing Services Clinician
lifechangingservices.org
1-877-HERO-877

"I started to see my wife as a rose bush that wasn't receiving proper care... a rosebush that needed to be well cared for in order to produce the most beautiful flowers."

On The Brink

Our Story

When we were married in August of 1980 we never dreamed that we would find our selves on the brink of divorce but we did. This is our story of how we have moved from that place to where we are today.

We began our marriage as all young couples do starry eyed and completely in love, thinking that life would be perfect from here on out. We had gotten married in the Temple and were doing all the right things in trying to keep the commandments. We started a family and began raising our children in the gospel. But then after 9 years of what seemed like an almost perfect marriage very slowly and most unpredictably Satan began to use his favorite tool, a wedge, in our marriage, and 12 years later we were faced with mistrust, a separation and infidelity.

(Husband) When we were first married I was a good man, husband and father. Then as trying experiences occurred in our lives I let them turn my life away from God. I turned to alcohol, going to clubs and ended having an affair and being dis-fellowshipped.

As I went through the repentance process the fog of spiritual and mental illness began to lift and I began to long for a change of heart. After 10 years of seeing different counselors and trying different things we were still struggling.

(Wife) Through all of this I developed a great deal of mistrust and basically built a very huge wall around my heart so that I couldn't get hurt again. As my husband tried to figure out how to over come and change things I also began to start filling like every thing that had happened was my fault. I began to think if only I had done things differently, had been prettier, hadn't nagged, the list went on and on. Deep inside I knew I still loved my husband but I felt that things could never be right again. In desperation I finally apologized for all the things I had done wrong.

(Husband) When my wife began apologizing she was really, really upset and it scared me to death. I didn't know how much she was hurting and I didn't know what she might do. So I went and asked our Bishop if he would help get us into counseling, which he did. I think at this time the Lord placed Cody Hawes in our lives. I think when we met Cody I was finally at a place where I could finally make permanent change of heart rather than just going through the motions.

I learned about the 3 P's as Cody calls them: Preside, Provide and Protect. I learned that as I started focusing on these 3 things my heart began to turn to my wife and no longer focus on myself. As I did that I saw how my wife began to be more happy and I started to remember how special my wife is and how great it made me feel to make my wife feel good. I started to see my wife as a rose bush that had never got proper care... a rosebush that needed to be well cared for in order to produce the most beautiful flowers. As I started to think about my wife and not myself I began to pray for her happiness and that in turn helped me learn to talk with Heavenly Father and develop a closer relationship with Him.

(Wife) As we started meeting with Cody, he helped me see that Satan had developed a very strong tool that I would use on myself all the time. Any time my husband would do anything that was remotely like things in the past, it didn't matter how small, it would send me back to feeling like nothing was every going to change. Cody taught me two things that have helped me to change how I respond and these in turn have I think helped me get closer to husband again. The first is “ write a letter to God” when ever something comes up and begins to drag me back to the dark place that I was in I should write this to my Heavenly Father and ask for his help. One of these letters I brought and let Cody read and he had my husband read it. My husband told me that reading that had helped him better understand where I was coming from. The second thing that Cody taught me was “ A Teflon Mind” any time one of the triggers would happen I needed to not let it stick to me and start dragging me back, but rather take a good look at it and see if it really was like the old stuff or just Satan trying to drag me back.

After 5 months of meeting with Cody, we each have tools and knowledge that will help use strengthen or marriage. We also are having daily scripture study and prayers together which helps us to become closer to the Lord and in turn closer to each other.

This is our story and it still is being written with the hope that the end will be even better than the beginning.


Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW works for Life Changing Services and the Sons of Helaman program. His areas of expertise include Marital Therapy, Addiction Recovery, Mental Health Therapy and assisting others in achieving life goals and true potential. If you would like an appointment with Cody you can call 1-877-HERO-877 

“How do I know if he’s looking at that stuff? Is it even important to know?”

Dear Friend,

I work with young/single adult men on a daily basis. They are wonderful… leaders of their school, church and for the most part they have big dreams and aspirations. You are around these guys on a daily basis, they often have great answers to questions during class and they can be seen as some of the most charming and handsome in the school.

One thing that many of them have in common is: they have ALL been exposed to pornography, whether driving down the street on billboards, on the internet and even fashion magazines their mothers collect. These things may seem minor but the more they observe these things the more potential it has to decrease confidence, and increase addiction to inappropriate images.

Some of these young men can do some great work on their own and are able to kick these images out right away but for the majority, their curiosity catches up to them. They start a trek on a very jagged path of hidden behavior and are even over taken by toxic guilt and shame which is binding.

Ok, enough of that background. You are probably educated on this already… if not, you are welcome. :) Here are some things to consider as you start to date or even consider marrying a young man:

Remember that the young man you will date in the future will have been exposed to pornography, whether soft or hard. Please ask them to what level they have been exposed. I know it’s awkward but it’s important for you to know this information. (I will give you reasons why a bit later)

Possible question for your boyfriend- Hey _______ , I know and you know that porn is out there. It is important for me to know how you’ve dealt with it. Can you tell me about that?

If the young man answers to the affirmative about his exposure, compliment him on his honesty. It takes real courage to admit he has seen it.

Ask him what he has been doing to recover from it. If he is trying to recover on his own tell him he would benefit greatly by getting extra help from the people who care for him (Bishop, parents, a counselor, a friend who may have the same issue or look into a recovery program like Sons of Helaman program, Addiction Recovery Program, Fight the New Drug and others).

Also, suggest great books out there that help them gain greater education about addiction (“Like Dragons Did They Fight” by Maurice Harker, “Putting on the Armor of God” by Stephen A. Cramer, “Love you, Hate Porn” by Dr. Mark Chamberlain, research material from Fight the New Drug web site)

If he says he does not have any issues with it. Ask him, “How have you been able to avoid it? What have you done to make sure it can’t get into your life? What is your plan to keep it out? These questions dig deep and let him know that you will not put up with that behavior in your relationships. 

The majority of the time, this will prompt the young man to make changes if he does have the problem.  You will also be able to discern, by his answers, if he does indeed have a problem. Pay attention to your “Creepy Guy Detector” going off. You can even go as far as taking some time off the relationship if he vehemently denies any exposure. A three day break sets up your clear disgust for any sexual misbehavior and he will see how serious you are about not letting that into your life or future relationships. 

Friend,

I have the awesome opportunity to help couples afflicted by sexual misbehavior on a daily basis. Sweet wives who want to be secure around their husbands, who want to trust them again but have been caught so off-guard that the trauma to their marriage overwhelms their faith in it.  I have seen enough hearts broken by misbehaving men to make it my mission to help prepare you for your beautiful future and eternal marriage to young men who master the art of Providing, Presiding and Protecting with power.  I value you very much and I counsel young men daily to value you for all of your goodness, virtue and beauty.

Now, it’s up to you…is it important for you to know? 


Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW
Life Changing Services
lifechangingservices.org
1-877-HERO-877

Everything But The Victim

A Poetry Jam 

By Alan Buys

I have never been raped
I can't pretend to know anyone's pain
I can't pretend to know how hard it is
I can't pretend to know how to help a victim
But I can tell you
And I will tell you

You don't let one of your guilty fingers on your guilty hands even itch in their direction.

Victim blaming
Victim: a person who has been attacked

Injured

Robbed

Or killed

By someone else

Synonyms: casualty, prey

Which brings me to my first thing to say

I blame the predators

The wolves
The lions
Neither noble nor proud
Who stalk
And prowl
And study their prey

Who stare drooling
And plotting

I blame the predator
The scum
Who think and feel and daydream with their genitalia
Instead of their hearts

I blame the predators
I blame the perverts who view
Their fellow humans
As porn

I blame a society where
Sex must be dirty filthy naughty
Instead of beautiful

I blame an internet that teaches women
10 easy tips to drive men wild
And teaches men that one weird trick to score with a chick

I blame a society that is asking women to flaunt themselves in public and shame themselves in private

I blame a society that tells boys that if they don't
Score touchdowns
Shoot animals with guns
And bang babes
That they will never be men

I blame a culture of parents Uncomfortable with
Telling their children about sex
Who tell their children that a vagina is a ya ya and a penis is a ding dong
And then shout at them for showing their boyfriend their ya ya in the back seat of a vroom vroom

I blame politicians who legislate for less sexual education and then send naked selfies to their mistresses

I blame a society that has put a less than sign between love and sex
And has put a less than sign between sex and masturbation

I blame corporations that sell women to sell their products
And car shows that bring the crowds with cherry red lipstick instead of cherry red Ferraris

I blame people who do nothing and sit idly by
With words like "My daughter would never be stupid enough."
"Or my son would never be wimpy enough to let a women take him like that."
I blame people who insist that someone asked to be

Attacked

Injured

Robbed

Or killed

Blame everything
But the victim

Permission to share given by Alan Buys

“The Lord is well aware of our mortality”

   Soon after Christ was baptized by a humbled John, "Jesus was led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be with God." In the wilderness he was able to fast and "commune with God." (JST Matt.4;1-2) Secluded in the wilderness without distractions, I am sure it was a great opportunity for him to prepare and receive great lessons from his Father. A great way to prepare for his last days on earth.

   "And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered." (Matt. 4;2) Then Satan starts in on tempting the son of God. Like an unwanted visitor, the adversary loves to come in unannounced and at our weakest moments. This was probably a great chance to one up the Savior of the World...he was ready to pounce.

   He starts with a carnal temptation, second with pride and then with worldly riches and power. These are often the temptations with which we are faced on a regular basis but Christ was prepared beforehand. He was also the scriptures incarnate. He had the word of God written on his heart, He was the "word."

   This is why he was able to combat each temptation with scripture and power, even after such a weakened physical state. It would be wonderful to act as Christ did when faced with temptation but as Joseph B Wirthlin stated, "The Lord is well aware of our mortality. He knows our weaknesses. He understands the challenges of our everyday lives. He has great empathy for the temptations of earthly appetites and passions." (In Conference Report, Apr. 1996, 46)

Friends,

   A little insight I have come to know as I have helped people overcome addiction and other temptations...the more time we have in communing with Heaven, the more power we have over temptation. Pretty simple to understand but a great relationship with Heaven also has mental and physiological benefits. The greater spirit we have the more equipped we are to deal with negative moods and past traumas. 

   These moods potentially lead toward huge chemical imbalances to our brain and more lethargic feelings of "I don't want to do or feel anything for days. All I want to do is watch this screen for a day and then play the other screen when I get tired of that screen." In essence, the scriptures and meaningful communion with heaven are great preventors of mental and emotional anguish. They can also get you back on track mentally and emotionally... if you let them. :)

   So, Christ set a great example by seeking heaven to overcome sin:

      1. He communed with God

      2. He was continually seeking light through the scriptures

      3. He beat temptation with scripture and great motivation to do God's will.

      4. And after all of the anguish that he endured and after fighting off Satan, "Angels came and                   ministered to Him." (Matt. 4:11)

   I believe that we can do the same. Please think of some different ways you can implement the actions the Savior portrayed in these scriptures. We won't get there right away but we can get there little by little. I pray that we will recognize how much joy and angelic ministry will come to us as we follow Christ's example in overcoming temptation.

Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW

Life Changing Services Clinician

lifechangingservices.org

1-801-721-0144

Secrets to Success   

"Dear Heavenly Father, please help. Amen"

A winning battle by a hero of mine:

Known as M.L.

4 Weeks and going strong

   "After years of repentance and striving to become clean again, I finally became broken and humble enough for the Lord to teach me the things that I needed to learn. I’m going to tell you just how the Lord had mercy on me and how he changed my heart.

            

   On Monday, March 2, 2015 I had my last lost battle. I gave up. I had been clean for almost 2 weeks. After losing that battle, I felt more depressed than I have ever felt. At that point I was truly broken. I began to doubt God. I went to him in prayer asking him why he wasn’t helping me. I told him that I had been implementing daily scripture study and I felt like I was being diligent in praying daily. I felt that I was not receiving the strength that I felt I deserved and so desperately needed. By the end of the day I had repented for the things that I had done that day. I didn’t feel like my heart was necessarily in it, but I just did it anyway so that I wouldn’t have as much guilt hanging over my shoulders. Tuesday came, I was busy all day and wasn’t tempted very much.

            

   On Wednesday, March 4, 2015, I woke up around 6:30. I was on call for work and didn’t think I would get called in. I knew it was going to be a tough day. At about 7:00, Satan put a thought in my mind to lose a battle. He told me that everyone would gone at 8:00 and I would have the house to myself. I accepted it. I didn’t even put up a fight. I started to kill time until everyone left because in that moment the only thing I wanted to do was lose a battle. I hopped in the shower and began getting ready for the day. I felt a prompting to pray for help. I didn’t want to follow this prompting because in that moment I literally wanted to lose a battle. I prayed anyway. All that I said was “Dear Heavenly father, please help me. Amen.” I began to think about my reasons for fighting: My mission that I desperately want to go on, my future wife who I want to protect, and my family now that I want to make proud. I began to feel my thinking leave the middle part of the brain and return to my values area in the frontal lobe. I felt warrior chemistry begin to kick in. In that moment, I received a little more strength. I got out of the shower, went to my room and started reading “Like dragons did they fight” By Maurice Harker. My mom came down and told me she knew it would be a hard day but that she believes in me. I texted Cody Hawes, my councilor, I told him that I needed help. He quickly called me and talked me out of losing a battle. He told me ways that I could gain strength. After I spoke with him, I wrote a note to my sister telling her how much I love her and how great she is. I went to the gym and bought a membership. (I hate the gym. I used to work at one and have no desire to go there anymore).  I knew it was something that would keep my busy in the morning and help me, so I just did it. I went to 2 places to get my sister lunch. They were both closed since it was 9:00 in the morning, but I tried. I got home and had extra strength, but still had no idea how I would get through the day. I received a text from a guy in my ward who is about 38 years old and used to snowboard professionally. We are good friends and he knows my current situation. In that text he said “I have 2 free passes to Powder Mountain today. Wanna go?” Of course I wanted to go! That sounded awesome. He said he would pick me up around 10:30. At about 9:30, my manager called me saying he had shift for me. I faked sick and told him I had been throwing up all morning. That probably wasn’t the best idea but keep in mind that it had just snowed a lot the day before! After that, my cousin texted me and said “Do you want to go to the shooting range?” That sounded super fun too, but I told him I was going snowboarding. I spent most of that day snowboarding and enjoying all of the fresh powder. I was busy all day and was able to stay clean.

            

   When I returned home, I realized that the Lord had given me an escape. But not just an escape, he gave me 3!  He let me choose which one I wanted to take. Since this happened, I have not lost another battle.  The Lord hasn’t stopped either. He has given me so many more experiences like this and blessed me with so many great tender mercies. These kinds of things happen all of the time now because I have learned to follow promptings. Now that I am winning my battles, I am so much happier. I have more confidence than I have ever had before. I now write 3-4W1 on my hand every day. 3-4 for March 4^th, to remind me to follow promptings. W to think of all women in white, especially women who are dressing immodestly, and 1 to remind me to put the kingdom of God first and all things will be added unto me.

            

   My advice to young men who are struggling with Pornography, or anyone repenting and continuing to make mistakes is to be patient. Humble yourself and try to learn what it is the Lord could be teaching you. He is completely aware of you and your current circumstance. He is anxious to open up the windows of Heaven and bless you, and I’m sure he already is blessing you a lot. My success began when I started focusing on what the Lord was doing to help me instead of only looking at what Satan was doing to ruin me. Have faith, once you have been able to learn from you trials, you will be set free. I now know that Christ lives and I know that he has the power to change our hearts. I know that because he has changed mine. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." M.L.

Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW
Life Changing Services Clinician

lifechangingservices.org

1-877-HERO-877   

“Writing on the ground”

I was once asked, “Other than Christ, his apostles and writers of each New Testament book, if you could spend a day with someone from New Testament times, who would it be?” That was a really tough question because I love all of their perspectives and testimonies. From the Lad who gave what he had to feed the 5000 to the Pharisees and Sadducees who made it their mission to catch the Savior in error.

So, let’s just start with one. The woman who was “taken in adultery” and brought before Christ by the scribes and Pharisees to be stoned.

In the 8^th Chapter of John it states “They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him.

But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.” (John 8:4-11)

I would love to hear the first-hand account from this relieved woman. I would love to hear the background that put her in this predicament. What was the circumstance of her family? What led her to the moment before she was brought before Christ? Was she forced into an uncomfortable situation by a person of status? Maybe even a scribe or a Pharisee?

There are so many things I would ask her about the moments before Christ gave one of his many perfect judgments while foiling any Pharisaical plans. What were her thoughts and feelings as he was writing on the ground; as he, with great patience, did not bend to the Scribe’s and Pharisee’s request for instant condemnation of this woman? How did it feel when she received no condemnation from him but Godly instruction of “Go and sin no more”?

What an amazing perspective she’d be able to give of her interaction with Christ. Now, even greater…we can capture so many nuggets of knowledge from our Savior through this experience. Notice how Christ was in no hurry and he did not feel pressure from these chiefs of Israel at the time. Let’s focus on what he did to give out his just judgment of this afflicted woman…he “wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.”

I do not know what he was writing but I like to think he was writing a letter to God or… he may have been communing with his Father and by writing on the ground distracted those around him. Anyway, I believe he was in authentic communion with his Father. Most of the time we may tend to focus on his legendary judgment, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” But, I invite everyone to ponder the benefits of communion with Heaven when any type of pressure is mounting. And what it will allow us to accomplish when encountered with huge decisions or… when the adversary is tempting us to judge other mortals harshly.

One more thing I’d like you to consider, after guidance from heaven and a verdict so perfect, “again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.” As a conclusion to this experience, I believe he wrote a note to his father and entered into a prayer of gratitude for his victory. He acknowledged his father for making him an instrument to rescue a daughter in need and causing those in attendance to ponder the beam in their eye.

Please take some time to reflect on the victories you have because heaven’s power was prevalent in your life and please take some time to “write on the ground” a bit more to increase understanding and increase your powerful influence. It will fashion more friends and build God’s kingdom around you. There’s no wonder why Christ was followed by multitudes.

Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW

lifechangingservices.org

Life Changing Services Clinician

1-801-721-0144