4 Steps to Transform Enmity Into Empathy

The simple definition of Enmity according to Websters is "a very deep unfriendly feeling"

I believe the cause of a lot of anguish and despair is because of enmity. It happens when we believe lies about ourselves to the point of creating coping strategies that put us in survival mode. It happens when we are overly critical of others because they're not keeping up with the latest fad or if they do not match social status. It can also happen because another person is just not socially apt or thinks very different from you. One of this worlds greatest downfalls is because enmity is so easily masked or disguised by the counterfeit comforts that influence our emotional/mental/social survival techniques. We are driven to protect ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and so it is not an abnormal response to react with enmity. 

What I would like to accomplish with this video is to help those caught in enmity to replace it with empathy or the ability to understand, at a deeper level, why others function the way they do. Especially when people you love do things that contradict their value system. Please remember that as humans we naturally seek places and people that are more empathic and very much shy away from those that have animosity toward us. 

So, here are four steps to show more empathy when our natural response could be enmity. 

1st- IDENTIFY the enmity we are facing. The enmity could disguise itself as disgust, extreme frustration, enmity-fueling gossip, or discovering the undesirable mote in someone's eye. It is essential to IDENTIFY the enmity.

2nd- Know this is NOT AN ABNORMAL response. When we are battling enmity we will naturally go to some feeling that creates an emotional/mental survival. It's not uncommon for us to want to survive, IT'S BUILT right into our brain. Most times this emotional survival is counterfeit and may even be satisfied by giving into the natural response to attack in subtle ways or even blow-ups. The idea though is to be easy on yourself and others by knowing you could have feelings of enmity even though unwanted.   

3rd- SEPARATE the behavior from the person... who is created a bit different than you. Everyone has unique experiences in their life that shape the very person they are. In fact, 100% of their experiences shape their perception. It's not uncommon for a wife to have a differing point of view on parenting or even a coach of an athletic team that should be coaching your child better. Please know that enmity will always promote labels "delinquent," "disobedient," "offender," "snob" "exclusive." When we separate the behavior from the person with which we have enmity, it DISTRACTS THE BRAIN from creating uncomfortable LASTING ASSOCIATIONS. This is where empathy makes a big difference on the brain level.

4th- EMPATHIZE with that person. EVERY SINGLE one of us has our way of coping through hard times. There is a reason so and so goes to Gossip, Exclusivity, Pecking Orders as their defense mechanism. The way we empathize with them is to, at times, just GUESS! For example, "That is the way they were raised and I can appreciate and understand that perception" "There must be a reason why they are feeling insecure, maybe I can go lift them up or offer a listening ear" "I would also be very angry if I was facing such a demanding lifestyle" When we replace the enmity with empathy we actually will notice a personal difference psychologically and we will no longer reinforce, in our brain, so and so as the (perceived label). 

What a greater world this would be if we were to replace enmity with empathy. Seeking to understand before we pass judgement. It softens our heart and promotes a place for others to feel welcomed and loved instead of excluded and scorned. I invite you to go through these steps if you have unwanted enmity with someone in your life. Life is full of relationships and full of people we don't understand so let's change the status quo and start understanding each other.


Cody Hawes LCSW is a clinician that specializes in addiction recovery, mental health recovery and marital therapy. To learn more about him please go to lifechangingservices.org.           

One of the greatest ways to overcome addictions to unwanted behavior is to produce what we call in the Sons of Helaman program "Warrior Chemistry." It is a combination of your known value system and your ability to recognize when those values are under attack. One of my clients, who has dedicated two years of his life in Africa, had a very unique way of practicing his warrior chemistry by writing "poetry jams." So, I thought I would demonstrate warrior chemistry through a poetry jam I wrote.

It's Called "Dominant Light"

To the Porn industry, Go Away!
the amount of pain you've produced causes so much decay...
moral, sexual and marital demise
can no longer be accepted by people so wise.
There's no room for it as we raise a chosen generation.
They will know more about love and its light than your counterfeit comfort and human objectification.
The filth you peddle creates so much ugly around the globe
but we will teach youth early on to learn values greater accessing their frontal lobe.
From the gift of life, love, work ethic and inclusion.
They will remember these things as they combat your criminal illusion.
You will become obsolete, an afterthought, a learned experience,
so much so IT. WILL. BE. HILARIOUS.
All you do is destroy the human spirit, and starting at very tender ages, 
I can't believe you're okay with what you put on your pages.. 
Our children are taught the beauties and glories of procreation 
and you promote and openly spread fantasy based ugly recreation.
You've created a society that sub-consciously promotes objectification
where people are robots, bosses are paychecks and bodies are instant gratification.
We are sick of you, go away,
stop tearing up families, stop progressing the moral decay.
There is no demand for you and you know it,
to you, bodies are paychecks so YOU EMPLOY it.
You are criminal,
you traffic the vulnerable, the forgotten, the insecure, making them subliminal.
They are so down trodden you pounce as if they're prey,
only you come out on top and they have to pay...
the price of addiction, worthlessness and years of intensive rehab.
You could care less though because there is always fresh meat you can nab.
You will come clean, you will eventually make it right.
You will have a change of heart to be able to face your demons at midnight.
It's a shame that you'll keep on going... so will I.
I will train valiant soldiers, validate the betrayed, and fight like a dragon til the day I die.
You will never win, your only satisfaction is temporal,
there will be no demand because our fight DAY IN and DAY OUT is ETERNAL!

To the victims of this dirt.
You can seek refuge, you don't have to endure the hurt.
I know they manipulate you with glamour, riches and popularity
but they're just biding their time until you fade into obscurity.
To those overcoming and have overcome this huge affliction.
Hold on tight you will get your vindication.
It will come through heightened senses, increased confidence and clarity.
There is no stopping you and no END to your prosperity.
You are fighting something that some think needs no fighting,
you will influence them and you will influence others, the energy you bring will be igniting...
virtue, beauty and light you will continue to seek,
there is no better feeling than slaying an opponent so sleek.
Not saying it will be easy or will be without effort
but your ability to overcome weakness and adversaries will be so much the better.
Unfortunately there is a powerful enemy and he is relentless and sly
but you will be victorious with your warrior cry.
It comes through prayer, action and confidence in your ability to dominate.
There will be so much strength, so much power even the greatest leaders in the world will try to imitate.
So one last message, a battle cry,
Light will always overcome the dark, an energy so dominate it cannot be denied.
    

Cody Hawes, LCSW LLC is a clinician for the Sons of Helaman program and Life Changing Services. For more information on the Sons of Helaman Program go to lifechangingservices.org.

      

3 Steps to Train the Addicted Brain

The brain is the most powerful tool we have in our body. If we know how it works, we can use it to achieve our greatest potential. One of the biggest downfalls of our brain is its instant gratification especially with unwanted behavior. Consider Pornography, when a brain is exposed to it, it is given a dose of dopamine comparable to heroin without the financial burden. After continued use, the brain reinforces a trodden down neural-pathway that is not easy to overcome. Through this process it creates associations... if you are feeling any type of negative emotion- Porn can be your band-aid. If you are feeling bored- Porn can create a fantasy world full of variety. The addicted brain is extremely quick to send the the most pleasured fantasy-based solutions- drugs, video games, tv marathons, cutting, food or anything that can give you a release from the pain.    

So, here are three steps to begin to change those associations. Since I work with mostly pornography addicted brains I will use that as an example.

First- it is essential that we know our value system that opposes the addiction. For most people, Pornography is not a value for them but they do value a life without it. A wonderful place to start is to ask yourself, "how do I want my brain to view the human body in regards to sex?" The majority in this world don't want to be viewed as objects and I am assuming they would want the same for others. So you've got to know your personal values around it. Personally, I view the human body as beautiful, virtuous, something divinely created by a God I love. I also view sex as something beautiful, an expression of ultimate safety with your spouse, a bond that can create an all-consuming love. I also see it as something that gives us a God-given gift to create life.

Second- Once we have our value system in place and our philosophy around it is sound, it is important to create a remembrance system around it. This could be a key word or phrase that you are exposed to at least three times a day. People can use their bathroom mirrors and a dry-erase marker to remember, others can use the alarms on their phone with phrases appearing as their alarm goes off. This causes the brain to create a strong neural pathway for the value that overrides the brains desire to use pornography. Remember the brain goes to instant gratification when in distress so to have a counteracting force against that is vital.

Third- Go on the offensive- do something that reinforces the neural pathway. If a person is constantly feeling they are under attack by the brain's desire to watch pornography, that puts them on the defensive and their brain will get agitated and want a quick fix. Choose an action every day that reinforces your value system, write about your philosophy for change, serve a family member, create a new connection with a neighbor, follow up with a friend on social media, go treat your body to exercise or hard work.

Remember the more we reinforce connections with our true value system, the more our brain will feel at ease. The associations our brain makes will change for the better as we focus on our values. It will not need to feed off fantasy worlds if it's given the nutrition from our remembered moral codes.

For more philosophy and science around addiction recovery strategies please refer to Maurice Harker's book "Like Dragon's Did They Fight", research the studies and writings of Dr. Donald Hilton, Mark Chamberlain's "Will Power is Not Enough" and his website lovehealsporn.com, lifechangingservices.org and fightthenewdrug.org.

Cody Hawes LCSW is a licensed clinician for the Sons of Helaman program. He specialiazes in addiction recovery, marital therapy and mental health recovery. He can be reached at 1-801-721-0144.  

Overcoming Shame: Finding the Inner-Kid

Shame is so binding. It can start by doing something against your moral code and it has every intention to be hidden and stay hidden. It can take a joyous person and cause them to isolate as to create a counterfeit solace from a hurtful world.

When I read the poem above it reminded me of things I could do to remember that no matter how much hurt a person feels if they can get back in touch with their inner child they can find peace and happiness again. Here are three ways to find that inner-kid:

1. Observe the children around you- Take your own children or a loved-ones child to the park- see how they interact with the other children. Notice their care-free attitude- their lack of judgment of the other children- Their keen observance and curiosity about the other children- and questions to fulfill their curiosity. Notice their ability to forget after a big fall or maybe even their ability to forget after another child hurts them. How is it so easy for them to lack judgment? Ponder how they can live care-free with so many unknowns in front of them.

2. Lose yourself in the worlds of your children's imagination- I recently took some time to do this with my son. I call it Lego Improvisation. We just built vehicles and buildings together, created scenarios and people and acted as we went. He created voices for the people and he was annoyed by my goofy voices. There were no worries during this activity just a lot of fun with imagination and no thought of outside influence. I felt safe with my son and vice versa.

3. Hold one conversation weekly with a child. Could be a child of a family friend, a niece, a nephew or even better, your own child. Be curious about their life. Ask them about their dreams and aspirations. Ask them about their theories of life or what it takes to be happy. You might find that their theories are a whole lot simpler than yours. Ponder the insight they give and try to implement it in some way.

Cody Hawes is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He specializes in addiction recovery, marital therapy, grief therapy and has assisted many in overcoming mental illness. If you feel you could use some time with Cody, please call him at 1-801-721-0144.