"That's just who you are"

           A story about Mighty Change by-            

          A General of The Sons of          

 Helaman Program 

I had struggles with pornography from a pretty early age. I believe I was around 11 when I first fell into it. In the beginning it wasn’t very often that I would fall, maybe once a month or less. I didn’t dare tell anyone. I am not sure if I even recognized it as what everyone was warning against. Satan did a very good job keeping me ignorant. In my head it wasn’t an addiction, it was just a small problem I had. I thought I could just stop.

                As the next couple years went by my addiction got continually worse. As I hit the age of 13 I started to realize the mess I was in. It was almost every day I was losing my battle with Satan. I hadn’t told anybody. And this secret built up with large amounts of Shame, guilt, embarrassment, and a lack of self worth started taking a huge toll on my identity. A lot of people say they start to live two different lives. This was not the case for me. Every aspect of my life was sinking. I had no ability to have simple conversation with anyone. Satan had such a great hold on my mind that almost every thought that I had about myself came from him. While talking to anyone I was continually bombarded with debilitating thoughts, thoughts that would kill my confidence and cause me to want to end any interaction with people. I became incredibly closed off. I would snap at the slightest thing my family would say to me. I would spend great amounts of time by myself doing worthless things just to kill time. I really didn’t have any desire to live. I completely believed the lie “that’s just who you are”, a worthless kid who doesn’t have any future. In this state of depression, God would still give me spouts of encouragement. I would still try to fight this addiction, I would fail miserably, not being able to go more than a few days without succumbing, but I would try.

                One day I was feeling really good. I was sure I was not going to lose that day. The day started off great and after school I was feeling enlightened. Out of nowhere I was bombarded with an attack from Satan to get me to lose. I fell succumb and lost. I sat at the computer not believing what I had done. I realized at that moment that I had absolutely no control of my own life. It was a feeling of complete hopelessness. There was nothing else I could do I thought.  Nothing more to put in. No more amount of will power that I could muster, I had given it my all and I still didn’t make it through the day. I walked slowly to my bedroom and fell to the floor. I prayed harder then I ever had. The prayer wasn’t to help me get out of this mess, it wasn’t a promise to never fall again, I had already told God that too many times, I just told him that I gave up. I could not do it. I just talked to him about my failure. That I was not going to overcome this addiction. The incredibly powerful feeling of the spirit came to me. It told me I needed to walk upstairs that instant and tell my parents. A great and terrible amount of fear came over me. I knew this was something I could not do. I told my Father in Heaven that I could not do it. Again the feeling came. I told God of my deep desire to tell them, but that I did not have the strength to do so. Heavenly Father was mindful of my weaknesses that day. I promised him I would give it my all to tell them about my addiction but I needed his power and strength. Before I realized what was happening my knees were lifted from the floor. Step by step I was moved forward by my Father in Heaven towards my parent’s bedroom. As I felt my Father lift me up and stumble with me, I received the necessary support to sit down with my dad and explain my situation. That was the first time in a very long time I had felt that love.

                With several talks with my parents they convinced me to go to the Sons of Helaman Program. I was very hesitant but I was willing to go. I remember that the first week I was really scared. I couldn’t look at anyone in the eye. I didn’t know how to talk to peers, let alone about an addiction to pornography. Very quickly however I became really comfortable with these guys. In the beginning of me going to group I would never stay clean for more than a couple weeks. I think it had to do with the idea that I was so comfortable with the addiction that it wasn’t a super pressing issue in my head. Satan would falsely calm me down and say that I would do it eventually and I didn’t need to worry about it. I spent the next couple years in this attitude, completely miserable. I did not gain a whole ton out of Sons of Helaman because I wasn’t putting in that much. I would talk in group as if I was trying so hard but I would just kind of forget about fighting when I went home.

Then I started doing something really dumb. I started to lie again. My mom would ask me if I was still winning, and even if I had lost just recently I would be startled by the question and squeak out a “yes”. I’m sure she knew that I wasn’t really winning. I would never let myself graduate or go too far with the lies. I claimed that I would mess up every 9 weeks or so. When in reality I wasn’t lasting more than a few days. When I was about 15 and I started to realize that dating was coming up and becoming a priest and my problem became more and more urgent in my head. I started recognizing the great amounts of depression that I had and started successfully pinning it on my addiction. I realized that it wasn’t just me. I naturally wasn’t a depressed kid. I started doing everything I could to win. I stopped lying and took responsibility for my actions. I would pray hard, and read my scriptures. I wasn’t reading every day, and I would beat myself up for not doing that, but I think my Father in Heaven noted my trying and he blessed me because of it. I still felt so self-conscious of who I was. I would see people around me and see their lives as perfect. I truly thought that most people didn’t struggle in life period. Satan told me that I just wasn’t reaching the bar and that there was nothing I could do to reach it.

I remember the first couple times that I reached five or six weeks clean. It was a sense of peace that I will never forget. Recognize that I still was being fed lies of self-loathing and I wasn’t socially normal. The fear of social events was still there, but the guilt was gone. For the first times in my life it was as if I received a breath of fresh air. Then I would lose my battle and my head was shoved underwater again. The peace would be gone, however with these first couple instances I gained a sense of hope. A realization that my life was not doomed to misery. By the time I was 16 and 17 I was consistently making it to eight weeks perfect before falling. I remember the concept that when I would be this far in weeks I would roll my windows down and just feel the peace in my heart. I would just drive and drive just because it felt free and good.  I was starting into high school and I met new kids at school. This allowed me to gain a semi fresh start on my social life and I practiced having regular conversations. I started having groups of friends. This is when I started to feel the idea that I was living a double life style. I wasn’t socially fantastic but I could get by without people thinking I was super weird, and that felt great, but then I was still would lose to this addiction every so often. And when I would lose it took me a while brush myself off and keep fighting. Those moments were very difficult for me.

                I finally graduated the program and overcame my addiction to pornography at the age of eighteen. I honestly can say I don’t think there was anything different about the time that I finally went all the way, and graduated the program. The entire roller coaster of a life I had had was a learning process. Every time I fought I would get better and better. I was constantly growing even though I didn’t see it at the time. I continued to go back every week to help others with the addiction. I was finally free and started to feel happy.

                In the February of 2012, my senior year I was called to serve in the Arizona, Tucson Mission speaking Spanish. I, for so many years, really didn’t believe that I would be able to go. My mission was the hardest thing I have ever accomplished. God put me on a fast track on my mission and I learned more then I possibly knew I could. I gained an ability to build and nurture relationships with people, which I never had done previously. I learned how to truly communicate and listen to people. I started to build my ability to have charity. I became someone who was extremely social and could and would talk to everyone around me. I can honestly say that I came home a very different person. One who had a complete conversion to my Savior.

                After my mission I got back into volunteering in the Sons of Helaman program which eventually turned into a job. I am currently apart of the starting up of the Elite Missionary Training course that Life Changing Services provide. My life is a busy, and fulfilling one. I am truly happy. I still struggle with so many things in life but I know that my Father has a plan for me and will always lead me to a place of repentance and change.

               I know that anyone out there who is struggling with this addiction can be led to cleanliness. I promise that if you don’t give up and just keep on pushing towards Christ you will be free.

To know more about the Sons of Helaman Program or Cody Hawes, creator of the Mighty Change blogspot please call 1-877-HERO-877 or go to lifechangingservices.org.

STUBBORN

A simple story of recovery by C.J., a graduate and general of the Sons of Helaman program--

I'M STUBBORN! I won't sugar coat it, I'd rather pound my way through a problem by myself than get help from someone but when I got to the Sons of Helaman program things changed. It became a great tool to get help.

My secret to success was accepting the help of others. When I had fallen into one of the traps of the adversary I thought I was alone but when I reached out for help I found it. Whether it came from my brothers in group, my Bishop, or Heavenly Father... I found great support. 

What is truly amazing is the ability for someone so low to find a helping hand through the Atonement. I realized that because I was willing to get help through my afflictions I could find many blessing other wise not open to me. My brothers in the Sons of Helaman program are great people who have fallen in the dust but we all fought side by side to get up and shake off the dust of the earth that defiled us. We all come together to strengthen, refine, and encourage our recovery process. I have personally received so much help and then shared what I have found to be useful. 

With group allowing me to get help from my brothers and MAN PWR turning me to self improvement-- I found myself better able to bow my head and receive help from my Heavenly Father. I found his love, and received a strengthened witness that he does live and will help me if I need it. I didn't just loose the chains of addiction that bound me and shake off the dust of the earth but I found my armor and was able to battle any type of moral attack. With this strength I am more aware of any fiery dart Satan throws at me. This is my strength. Relying on what strength I have around me in my brothers and Heavenly Father I am a General and continue to fight, ALWAYS! I'm that STUBBORN!

Note from Cody:

For those of you who are noticing a "stubborn" attitude when contemplating to share your weakness or...to know your weakness. Take a note from C.J.'s story. It's amazing when you find you are not the only earthling dealing with your EXACT hardship with different details. I've witnessed a lot of people recover from addiction and other behavior issues and one thing they all have in common...The more they shared their story with people they LOVED and TRUSTED, the more they recovered from the shame and guilt they were experiencing...transforming the negative reinforcement of a stubborn attitude to the freedom that comes from a humbled heart. I am grateful for Heroes like C.J.

Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW
Life Changing Services Clinician
1-877-HERO-877

               

"Redefining My Identity"

By David Hulet

Graduate and General of the Sons of Helaman Program

Return Missionary from the San Diego, California Mission

HI, Im David Hulet! I always love to describe who I am to people because I feel like it comes out different every time I say it. I portray who I am to that person in a 5 sentence conversation and I create a persona that in all honesty might not even be who I really am at the core. Now don’t get me wrong, I never lie or say I caught a reeaallly big fish, but I describe myself to that person or to a group of people to paint a picture in their minds of who I am. When in actuality the real painting of David Hulet may look nothing like that!

                

So as I write today I hope that genuinely you can see who I am at my core. I hope that above all else you can walk away from the time you spent reading this and feel one emotion. Sincerity. So sincerely thank you for reading today and thank you for being open to what I have to say.

                

Who I am has been a journey, not unlike the journey many of you are on. After 21 years of ups and downs, right turns and u-turns, there are adjectives I put before and after my name to illustrate who I am. They could be anything from, 3.9 gpa student, to a starter on my high school football team. It could jump to an eagle scout or the student of the year in 9^th grade, impressive right? How about student body officer or even better a return missionary. How about son, brother, grandson, baseball player, boyfriend, best friend, and perhaps even Christian, Mormon and believer. An endless list of accolades, achievements and awards all to say “HI, I’m David Hulet and this is who I am!”

Now how about one more that you may not expect to be alongside the rest, one that doesn’t seem to fit, one that you could say “shouldn’t” be there. The skeleton in the closet that is also the elephant in the room. Two words that at the time seemed to erase all the good that I previously stated. Pornography Addict. Did that give you the shivers or what? As an eleven year old kid, and a 16 year old kid and an 18 year old kid it gave me the shivers. It took from me what you would say I “should” have had, a healthy, happy and high self-esteem. It seemed to be the one phrase that was branded onto my heart, no matter how hard the other identities tried to take its place. Sound familiar to anyone?

Well if it does let me tell you that the story I’m telling you is not a sad one. It doesn’t end with a jail sentence, it doesn’t end with exile or excommunication, and it definitely didn’t end in suicide. Even better, this part of the journey BEGAN, “began” being such an important phrase because growing up I didn’t believe that I could begin again, that I could have new life, new hope and a mighty change of heart. I was addicted to pornography, people don’t come back from that, it’s a trap that has no door to the outside, or so I thought.

My journey began again starting in the summer of 2010 on a pioneer trek in the mountains of Wyoming, when I was surrounded with people I didn’t know. People who had no idea who I really was, or at least who I thought I really was! It was exhilarating, and the miracle of it all, I spent that week with those people and guess what, they loved me! Now I don’t mean they loved me like they were throwing roses at my feet and asking for an encore, I mean they loved me for who they saw me to be, they saw value in me and in what I had to offer. So BEGAN the redefining of my identity, the beginning of the journey out of the trap I thought had no outward swinging door.

Even after such a positive and loving experience it wasn’t quite enough to get me out. The Lord decided to send me angels. A best friend, a girlfriend, a coach and a brother. A bishop, Sunday school and seminary teacher and not to mention a faithful mother. People who will never truly know how much effect they really had upon my progress. It was not them individually, but collectively I could not have done it without each and every one of them. What was it that they did that made such a lasting and profound effect you ask? They kept telling me what was right about me, they saw good and they let it be known. When in my head all I could hear and believe was the opposite, their voices slowly began to drown out the others. I BEGAN to believe in myself, the light was shining and the tunnel was shrinking.

Surprisingly that wasn’t enough, it was difficult even then to see myself through others eyes. To look into a mirror and feel the things that others said. That is when, in the summer after my senior year of high school, an inspired bishop asked me if I would like to join the Sons of Helaman program. After an initial response of “no, I have it under control” which by this time I did have better grip than when I was 13, the Spirit took the wheel and persuaded me to change my answer, I said “you know what... I need to get this over once and for all.”

With experience gained in sports, music, student government and relationships, I knew what it meant to give my whole heart to something or someone. Regrettably none of those things had given back as much as I gave it, I always left feeling empty, emotionally and spiritually. This time was different though, Sons of Helaman was different. It taught me how to give my whole heart not to man or a cause devised by him but to give my whole heart to God. To fight every single day and put my heart and soul into God’s hands and work my tail off to change the tide.

Through concepts taught in Sons of Helaman like combatting negative thoughts, and practicing warrior chemistry to overcome temptation. I began to see myself gaining momentum. By marking my calendar in advance and holding myself accountable I began to not only believe in myself but to see evidence of why I should. I decided to overhaul my life, I cut out the sources of my addiction, I let go of useless entertainment and spirit numbing media. I disciplined my habits and focused on my spiritual well-being. I accounted to a young-lady each night of my progress and lost myself in the Book of Mormon and fasting. I gave my whole heart to the cause and to the program and when I did, I was finally receiving returns. The investment was being reciprocated. God was sending things back to me that I desperately needed.

By the time I arrived at week 6 of being clean it was October of 2012. The historic announcement that lowered the age of departing missionaries came and the shrinking tunnel I talked about earlier disappeared. Through weeping and tears of joy I hugged my mom and sister and we knew that this was sent by God as a gift to release me from the bonds of addiction. I began my mission papers that week and saw the hand of the Lord in my preparation. Through the enabling power of Christ’s atonement and temple attendance the next six weeks of my journey through Sons of Helaman was one of the happiest times of my life. I graduated on the 21^st of November 2012, the same night that I received my mission call to San Diego California, Spanish Speaking. I received  the Melchizidek priesthood, my endowments and continued to attend Sons of Helaman and left on my mission the 6^th Of February 2013. Forever grateful for the most hand-tailored miracle I had ever seen in my life.

But wait, it’s not that simple, swoosh bang, biggest miracle ever and I got into the mission field and free of the addiction but I was still having problems controlling my thoughts. I still had trouble looking into the mirror and seeing who I really was. I left my home like a rock star, walking into the MTC like a cowboy on his horse into the sunset. I got there and then into the field and realized that I really didn’t know who I was. I still didn’t have my identity, I had left family, friends, Sons of Helaman, my music, my sports, EVERYTHING, and oh did I struggle. I didn’t have people around me that knew how far I had come, I had no positive voices to keep me afloat and praise me for my good deeds. Until I finally hit rock bottom, after listening to negative, destructive, degrading voices for so long, I said no more. Six months into my mission I took it to the Father. I needed to know what to do and how to get over this destructive mental poison. His response, “You are My Son.” That is all he had to say. What my identity truly is, take away everything from me and why am I still worth it? It’s one simple truth, which will always fill our souls with confidence, we are sons of our Heavenly Father and that is why we matter, that is why we are important. Everything else is just flowers and noise, we only need rely on that fact.

So here I am almost a year and a half later reflecting on my life, bearing out my soul to complete strangers and one asks the question why? The reason I let you in on the details of my life, miraculous and not so miraculous, goes back to where we were at the beginning of this article. Remembering that even through my mission the Brand that was burnt deep into my heart was the phrase “Pornography Addict”.

My testimony of the Savior, the power of His Atonement and the actuality of His Resurrection, scream in my heart that former brands and labels, self-imposed, self- inflicted no longer needed to dominate the depths of my heart. That newness of life had been found and Hope for an eternal life with My Father and Savior never need to subside. The reason I write these things to you and give you my heart and soul is because in place of whatever brands we burn into our hearts, the truth is that only one phrase need burn there. “I AM A CHILD OF GOD, I AM HIS SON”.

“I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world… He that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”(3 Nephi 11:11)

I know this to be true!

Sincerely,

David Hulet

Note from Cody:

Did you notice any shame in David? Why would he desire to share his story and his picture for all the world to see? Just like the blind man that was healed by Christ he could care less about any pharisaical or saduccean response from those who surround him. All he cares about is the freedom he feels from re-branding himself from Addict to an unequivocal Child of God. His true identity!!

Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW

lifechangingservices.org

1-877-HERO-877 

*permission given by David Hulet to share his story and picture

"Know That You Can"

By A. B.

Graduate and General in the Sons of Helaman Program currently serving a mission in Africa

  

I was broken. I was weak. 

I was evil, perverse, and defective. 

I heard everyone around me give me praise. 

They spoke of unlimited potential, and a bright future. 

But they didn't know.

They didn't know that I looked at porn. 

They didn't know that I couldn't stop. That I was really just vile and sick.

They saw only the outsides and surfaces. The bright edifice of my lies.

They thought I meant it when I bore my testimony. They thought that I was good and virtuous. They made me quorum and seminary presidents. My teachers and friends trusted me. They put me in leadership and confidential roles. They treated me as though I deserved their respect.

But I didn't. 

Then things changed. I told people about my addiction.

I let a choice few know of my defect and my weakness.

The praise continued.

My bishop told me that I was mighty.

Cody told me that I was awesome. 

My mother told me that she loved me.

It hadn't ever crossed my mind that what people said could be true.

I had been listening to Satan's imitation of my voice telling me that I was evil.

I was looking through a keyhole that only revealed the addict. 

Opening up the door allowed me to see that the addiction was only a small part of me. A part of me that could be controlled with the right tools and training.

But not until I was able to see myself as I am.

I am a son of God. A son of Helaman. An eternal warrior.

A champion of the Savior, and a nightmare of Satan.

You want to know how to beat this thing? 

Know that you can. 

A.B.

Note from Cody:

It is so great for this young man to realize what others see in him and his potential. His potential is revealed increasingly and will continue to be revealed as he realizes how he is seen in the eyes of Heaven. One of the great principles I am learning from this young man... he no longer believes he is defined by his inconsistent and mortal behavior or attitude but rather is defined by a God that works with him to reveal his divine potential for this life. He noticed early on that God is not meant to punish him when learning to overcome mortality and the natural man but is meant to help him learn to separate the behavior from himself, know that it has been overcome by the atonement and get energized to repent. When we do what A.B. is doing we learn that drawing closer to God helps us change at a higher rate that distancing ourselves ever would. Remember that God is a loving father yearning for your return not a God who wants to be distant with an empty house.




   

"No Demand"

Spencer W.Kimball from the Miracle of Forgiveness:  “Who is to blame? The filth peddler, of course, but even more than this vulgar entertainer, the filth consumer, the public. So long as men are corrupt and revel in sewer filth, entertainers will sell them what they want. Laws may be passed, arrests may be made, lawyers may argue, courts may sentence and jails may harbor men of corrupt minds, but pornography and allied insults to decency will never cease until men have cleansed their minds and cease to require and pay for such vile stuff. When the customer is sick and tired of being drowned in filth by the comedians, he will not pay for that filth and its source will dry up.”

No Demand

From serial killer Ted Bundy: “I’m no social scientist, and I don’t pretend to believe what John Q. Citizen thinks about this, but I’ve lived in prison for a long time now, and I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence. Without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography - deeply consumed by the addiction. The F.B.I.’s own study on serial homicide shows that the most common interest among serial killers is pornographers. It’s true.”

No Demand

Pope John Paul II: “There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.”

No Demand

Anti Pornography Activist and Ex- Porn Star Jenna Jameson: “Staring at me from the door of the medicine cabinet was the devil. It had strings of brittle blond hair that had snapped off at various lengths; eyes recessed deep into the sockets and surrounded by bruised black circles; cheekbones sharp enough to draw blood; and its complexion was sickly cyanotic. The devil was my own reflection. I had made my living with my looks, and now they were gone: the beautiful blond hair, the full smiling face, the big bedroom eyes. All the curves that men paid thousands of dollars just to look at had melted away to reveal a skeleton in rags.”

No Demand

“I love being a puppet and servant to Porn.” – No one ever

No Demand

Past Client: “Whenever we are intimate, all I can think about is, “Is he loving me or am I just the object to stand in for his fantasies?” Something I think should be so sacred and beautiful for us in our marriage is tainted and violating. I hate when he says that it’s not my problem and it’s something he has to work out… Ditto!!”

No Demand

Past Client: “My wife knew what she was getting into when she married me. She knew about my addiction and she knew what she was getting into when she had sex with me before we got married. It’s not my fault she is suffering. It’s not my fault when she knew porn was something I had to have.”

No Demand  

Past Client: “I have more freedom now than I ever had when Porn seemed to be the panacea to freedom. I was caught in a huge trap that was making me hollow and without feeling. Now, food tastes better, my conversations are deeper with my wife, I work harder, my energy is lasting, I seek spiritual comfort more than any time in my life and it’s a hundred times more fulfilling than any time I had on a website objectifying women.”

No Demand

Dear Friends,

I once had a young man say, “Wait, just because I stopped looking at Porn that can stop the industry? There is no way I have that much power.” Then I taught him this principle…because his demand for it was null and void the industry will have a surplus not being used…yes it’s like taking a cup of water from a huge ocean but because of his knowledge and experience in overcoming this addiction he will be able to be more influential to others who struggle…How many cups will he take out? Possibilities are endless!!

No Demand

I don’t want job security. It actually is a dream of mine to not focus on helping others overcome sexual misbehavior. I often tell my clients, “the day I am flipping burgers will be one of the happiest of my life because then I’ll know it’s no longer a need.” Boy do I yearn for that day when the demand for pornography is so low that the porn industry goes broke.

No Demand

In order to rid this world of the poison of pornography it has to start with the individual. I challenge every one reading this to spread this “No Demand” campaign!! Share it with a loved one, share it with leaders in your community, share it with the industry itself but most of all please seek the help you need to stop your personal demand for this vile filth that is masked with instant pleasure and no strings attached.    

No Demand

The more we share our disgust and abhorrence for something that’s ruining lives and breaking up marriages and families-- the more the demand drops leaving a surplus of unused filth. I do not care about the porn industries response… all I care about is the one response needed to change an individual for the better. The more individuals change the more the Surplus is high and the porn execs are scrambling to know what the problem is.

NO DEMAND!!!   

Cody Hawes is a Licensed Clinician for Life Changing Services and The Sons of Helaman Program. He is dedicated to helping individuals overcome personal battles that stop them from achieving their purposes in life. 1-877-HERO-877 

Secrets To Success

Reasons for Fighting

WAR 

By T.L. (Graduate and General the Sons of Helaman Program)

No man would freely go to war unless he had a reason. 

All men in combat must have strength; 

All soldiers must be seasoned. 

So, how, they ask, do I prevail in this battlefield of blood. 

With men with greater strength than I 

Coming at me through the mud 

I fight with heart for those I love 

I fight for stronger reason 

I fight because I know this war lasts only for a season. 

I fight to show this beastly demon how forceless his attacks 

when faced with light of any kind. 

He’ll finally break and crack. 

I fight for when the day will come I’ll see my father’s face. 

So when he looks into my eyes, 

I’ll feel his soothing grace. 

I fight because I know if I can hold on ‘till its done, 

he’ll look me in the eyes and say, 

“You’ve made me proud, my son.”

Secrets to Success    

I had to let it go and forgive my self. 

Story given anonymously by S.R.     

    Growing up I always wanted to go on a mission for my church, that was always one of my goals. I remember singing in primary "I Hope They Call Me On a Mission" it was always my favorite song! Little did I know then that later in life that goal would slowly fade away...I would be exposed to things I'd never imagined as a young innocent boy. 
     I went on with my normal life and did things as any other boy would do. Then, I was introduced to pornography, at that time I had no idea what it was. I knew that at church we talked about it, but leaders were always so vague and timid when talking about it I really had no idea what it was. I thought that what I was doing was just curiosity, that it was normal. Looking back I knew from that moment on it was something I would struggle with for a very long time.
     Years had gone by at this point and I knew that I had a problem. I didn't know what to do about it though. I just kept to myself about it hoping that it would just go away, that I could lie my way through this "part" of my life and still do all those things I wanted to do as a kid in primary. A few more years had passed and it had only gotten worse than before. It didn't just affect me any more, it affected everyone around me. The relationships with everyone around me suffered. I was always fighting with my parents and siblings, and I shut people out of my life. It was at this point when I hit the "I don't care anymore" point.
     This is when I stopped going to church, and started other bad habits like drinking that put a vice on my life.  I started down a road to nowhere and didn't have any desire to do anything else. This went on for a while, when I got to the point where I didn't know what to do. That's when I realized I had to change.
     This is when I found out about the Sons of Helaman program. I started attending there once a week. After going to that for a few weeks my desire to go back to church and to be a good person came back. I wanted to serve a mission again! I was so much happier with my life and the changes I was trying to make, but it was lots easier said than done. It was lots of work to be clean of these habits. I had been going for about three months when I took off and started to excel. I was at 7 weeks clean and my bishop let me start my mission papers, I was so excited! I got all my papers done and at 10 weeks he put them in to the steak president. All I had to do was meet with him and they would be ready to send in.
     The day before I was going to meet with him I lost (relapsed). I was depressed. I had told everyone that I had my papers almost in. I met with him the next day and he told me that I needed to build up another few months before I would be ready to put them in. This put me into a very depressed state of mind. I couldn't get more than a week clean for months and months. I was sad and depressed and I didn't know what to do. I was being humbled, I had to be taken all the way down.
     About 6 months after this had happened I was still losing almost daily. My morale was low and it appeared as though there was no where to go, I was stuck and there was no light at the end of this never ending tunnel. Soon after this in one of my Sunday school classes my teacher talked about forgiving ourselves. I knew that this lesson was for me! It was what I needed to hear, I had to learn to let it go and forgive my self.  
     Forgiving myself was a huge part of this process. Forgiving myself was letting go of all those things I had done. I couldn't keep dwelling on things I did in the past, I had to let it all go, I no longer let what I had done in the past affect what I was going to do in the future. Instead of thinking about myself as an addict and a loser...I told myself everyday was a new day to get closer to God and the people I love. I began to believe whole-heartedly that I was a righteous worthy son of God! The past would no longer keep me from my future and fulfilling my mission on this earth!    

     After I had done that it became a lot easier. And the only thing I wanted to do was to go on a mission. One night when I was praying before bed a thought came to my mind, and it was that I was ready to go. In my prayer I ask Heavenly Father to let my bishop and stake president know that I was ready.

     The next day I got a call from my bishop, he said he wanted to meet with me. I went in to him and he said that he thought I was ready! I was so excited, but the stake president had to approve too. So I set a meeting with him, and he said the same thing, that I was ready to go! I couldn't believe that my prayer had been answered over night. I haven't lost a battle since that day. And I know that our father in heaven is watching over us all. At times it feels like he's so far away, but that's how he builds our faith. And that is what he was doing with me to prepare me to serve a mission.

S.R.

8 weeks clean

This young man just received his mission call and is preparing ferociously to serve his Father in Heaven. 


Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW
Life Changing Services Clinician
lifechangingservices.org
1-877-HERO-877

"I started to see my wife as a rose bush that wasn't receiving proper care... a rosebush that needed to be well cared for in order to produce the most beautiful flowers."

On The Brink

Our Story

When we were married in August of 1980 we never dreamed that we would find our selves on the brink of divorce but we did. This is our story of how we have moved from that place to where we are today.

We began our marriage as all young couples do starry eyed and completely in love, thinking that life would be perfect from here on out. We had gotten married in the Temple and were doing all the right things in trying to keep the commandments. We started a family and began raising our children in the gospel. But then after 9 years of what seemed like an almost perfect marriage very slowly and most unpredictably Satan began to use his favorite tool, a wedge, in our marriage, and 12 years later we were faced with mistrust, a separation and infidelity.

(Husband) When we were first married I was a good man, husband and father. Then as trying experiences occurred in our lives I let them turn my life away from God. I turned to alcohol, going to clubs and ended having an affair and being dis-fellowshipped.

As I went through the repentance process the fog of spiritual and mental illness began to lift and I began to long for a change of heart. After 10 years of seeing different counselors and trying different things we were still struggling.

(Wife) Through all of this I developed a great deal of mistrust and basically built a very huge wall around my heart so that I couldn't get hurt again. As my husband tried to figure out how to over come and change things I also began to start filling like every thing that had happened was my fault. I began to think if only I had done things differently, had been prettier, hadn't nagged, the list went on and on. Deep inside I knew I still loved my husband but I felt that things could never be right again. In desperation I finally apologized for all the things I had done wrong.

(Husband) When my wife began apologizing she was really, really upset and it scared me to death. I didn't know how much she was hurting and I didn't know what she might do. So I went and asked our Bishop if he would help get us into counseling, which he did. I think at this time the Lord placed Cody Hawes in our lives. I think when we met Cody I was finally at a place where I could finally make permanent change of heart rather than just going through the motions.

I learned about the 3 P's as Cody calls them: Preside, Provide and Protect. I learned that as I started focusing on these 3 things my heart began to turn to my wife and no longer focus on myself. As I did that I saw how my wife began to be more happy and I started to remember how special my wife is and how great it made me feel to make my wife feel good. I started to see my wife as a rose bush that had never got proper care... a rosebush that needed to be well cared for in order to produce the most beautiful flowers. As I started to think about my wife and not myself I began to pray for her happiness and that in turn helped me learn to talk with Heavenly Father and develop a closer relationship with Him.

(Wife) As we started meeting with Cody, he helped me see that Satan had developed a very strong tool that I would use on myself all the time. Any time my husband would do anything that was remotely like things in the past, it didn't matter how small, it would send me back to feeling like nothing was every going to change. Cody taught me two things that have helped me to change how I respond and these in turn have I think helped me get closer to husband again. The first is “ write a letter to God” when ever something comes up and begins to drag me back to the dark place that I was in I should write this to my Heavenly Father and ask for his help. One of these letters I brought and let Cody read and he had my husband read it. My husband told me that reading that had helped him better understand where I was coming from. The second thing that Cody taught me was “ A Teflon Mind” any time one of the triggers would happen I needed to not let it stick to me and start dragging me back, but rather take a good look at it and see if it really was like the old stuff or just Satan trying to drag me back.

After 5 months of meeting with Cody, we each have tools and knowledge that will help use strengthen or marriage. We also are having daily scripture study and prayers together which helps us to become closer to the Lord and in turn closer to each other.

This is our story and it still is being written with the hope that the end will be even better than the beginning.


Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW works for Life Changing Services and the Sons of Helaman program. His areas of expertise include Marital Therapy, Addiction Recovery, Mental Health Therapy and assisting others in achieving life goals and true potential. If you would like an appointment with Cody you can call 1-877-HERO-877 

“How do I know if he’s looking at that stuff? Is it even important to know?”

Dear Friend,

I work with young/single adult men on a daily basis. They are wonderful… leaders of their school, church and for the most part they have big dreams and aspirations. You are around these guys on a daily basis, they often have great answers to questions during class and they can be seen as some of the most charming and handsome in the school.

One thing that many of them have in common is: they have ALL been exposed to pornography, whether driving down the street on billboards, on the internet and even fashion magazines their mothers collect. These things may seem minor but the more they observe these things the more potential it has to decrease confidence, and increase addiction to inappropriate images.

Some of these young men can do some great work on their own and are able to kick these images out right away but for the majority, their curiosity catches up to them. They start a trek on a very jagged path of hidden behavior and are even over taken by toxic guilt and shame which is binding.

Ok, enough of that background. You are probably educated on this already… if not, you are welcome. :) Here are some things to consider as you start to date or even consider marrying a young man:

Remember that the young man you will date in the future will have been exposed to pornography, whether soft or hard. Please ask them to what level they have been exposed. I know it’s awkward but it’s important for you to know this information. (I will give you reasons why a bit later)

Possible question for your boyfriend- Hey _______ , I know and you know that porn is out there. It is important for me to know how you’ve dealt with it. Can you tell me about that?

If the young man answers to the affirmative about his exposure, compliment him on his honesty. It takes real courage to admit he has seen it.

Ask him what he has been doing to recover from it. If he is trying to recover on his own tell him he would benefit greatly by getting extra help from the people who care for him (Bishop, parents, a counselor, a friend who may have the same issue or look into a recovery program like Sons of Helaman program, Addiction Recovery Program, Fight the New Drug and others).

Also, suggest great books out there that help them gain greater education about addiction (“Like Dragons Did They Fight” by Maurice Harker, “Putting on the Armor of God” by Stephen A. Cramer, “Love you, Hate Porn” by Dr. Mark Chamberlain, research material from Fight the New Drug web site)

If he says he does not have any issues with it. Ask him, “How have you been able to avoid it? What have you done to make sure it can’t get into your life? What is your plan to keep it out? These questions dig deep and let him know that you will not put up with that behavior in your relationships. 

The majority of the time, this will prompt the young man to make changes if he does have the problem.  You will also be able to discern, by his answers, if he does indeed have a problem. Pay attention to your “Creepy Guy Detector” going off. You can even go as far as taking some time off the relationship if he vehemently denies any exposure. A three day break sets up your clear disgust for any sexual misbehavior and he will see how serious you are about not letting that into your life or future relationships. 

Friend,

I have the awesome opportunity to help couples afflicted by sexual misbehavior on a daily basis. Sweet wives who want to be secure around their husbands, who want to trust them again but have been caught so off-guard that the trauma to their marriage overwhelms their faith in it.  I have seen enough hearts broken by misbehaving men to make it my mission to help prepare you for your beautiful future and eternal marriage to young men who master the art of Providing, Presiding and Protecting with power.  I value you very much and I counsel young men daily to value you for all of your goodness, virtue and beauty.

Now, it’s up to you…is it important for you to know? 


Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW
Life Changing Services
lifechangingservices.org
1-877-HERO-877

Everything But The Victim

A Poetry Jam 

By Alan Buys

I have never been raped
I can't pretend to know anyone's pain
I can't pretend to know how hard it is
I can't pretend to know how to help a victim
But I can tell you
And I will tell you

You don't let one of your guilty fingers on your guilty hands even itch in their direction.

Victim blaming
Victim: a person who has been attacked

Injured

Robbed

Or killed

By someone else

Synonyms: casualty, prey

Which brings me to my first thing to say

I blame the predators

The wolves
The lions
Neither noble nor proud
Who stalk
And prowl
And study their prey

Who stare drooling
And plotting

I blame the predator
The scum
Who think and feel and daydream with their genitalia
Instead of their hearts

I blame the predators
I blame the perverts who view
Their fellow humans
As porn

I blame a society where
Sex must be dirty filthy naughty
Instead of beautiful

I blame an internet that teaches women
10 easy tips to drive men wild
And teaches men that one weird trick to score with a chick

I blame a society that is asking women to flaunt themselves in public and shame themselves in private

I blame a society that tells boys that if they don't
Score touchdowns
Shoot animals with guns
And bang babes
That they will never be men

I blame a culture of parents Uncomfortable with
Telling their children about sex
Who tell their children that a vagina is a ya ya and a penis is a ding dong
And then shout at them for showing their boyfriend their ya ya in the back seat of a vroom vroom

I blame politicians who legislate for less sexual education and then send naked selfies to their mistresses

I blame a society that has put a less than sign between love and sex
And has put a less than sign between sex and masturbation

I blame corporations that sell women to sell their products
And car shows that bring the crowds with cherry red lipstick instead of cherry red Ferraris

I blame people who do nothing and sit idly by
With words like "My daughter would never be stupid enough."
"Or my son would never be wimpy enough to let a women take him like that."
I blame people who insist that someone asked to be

Attacked

Injured

Robbed

Or killed

Blame everything
But the victim

Permission to share given by Alan Buys

“The Lord is well aware of our mortality”

   Soon after Christ was baptized by a humbled John, "Jesus was led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be with God." In the wilderness he was able to fast and "commune with God." (JST Matt.4;1-2) Secluded in the wilderness without distractions, I am sure it was a great opportunity for him to prepare and receive great lessons from his Father. A great way to prepare for his last days on earth.

   "And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered." (Matt. 4;2) Then Satan starts in on tempting the son of God. Like an unwanted visitor, the adversary loves to come in unannounced and at our weakest moments. This was probably a great chance to one up the Savior of the World...he was ready to pounce.

   He starts with a carnal temptation, second with pride and then with worldly riches and power. These are often the temptations with which we are faced on a regular basis but Christ was prepared beforehand. He was also the scriptures incarnate. He had the word of God written on his heart, He was the "word."

   This is why he was able to combat each temptation with scripture and power, even after such a weakened physical state. It would be wonderful to act as Christ did when faced with temptation but as Joseph B Wirthlin stated, "The Lord is well aware of our mortality. He knows our weaknesses. He understands the challenges of our everyday lives. He has great empathy for the temptations of earthly appetites and passions." (In Conference Report, Apr. 1996, 46)

Friends,

   A little insight I have come to know as I have helped people overcome addiction and other temptations...the more time we have in communing with Heaven, the more power we have over temptation. Pretty simple to understand but a great relationship with Heaven also has mental and physiological benefits. The greater spirit we have the more equipped we are to deal with negative moods and past traumas. 

   These moods potentially lead toward huge chemical imbalances to our brain and more lethargic feelings of "I don't want to do or feel anything for days. All I want to do is watch this screen for a day and then play the other screen when I get tired of that screen." In essence, the scriptures and meaningful communion with heaven are great preventors of mental and emotional anguish. They can also get you back on track mentally and emotionally... if you let them. :)

   So, Christ set a great example by seeking heaven to overcome sin:

      1. He communed with God

      2. He was continually seeking light through the scriptures

      3. He beat temptation with scripture and great motivation to do God's will.

      4. And after all of the anguish that he endured and after fighting off Satan, "Angels came and                   ministered to Him." (Matt. 4:11)

   I believe that we can do the same. Please think of some different ways you can implement the actions the Savior portrayed in these scriptures. We won't get there right away but we can get there little by little. I pray that we will recognize how much joy and angelic ministry will come to us as we follow Christ's example in overcoming temptation.

Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW

Life Changing Services Clinician

lifechangingservices.org

1-801-721-0144

Secrets to Success   

"Dear Heavenly Father, please help. Amen"

A winning battle by a hero of mine:

Known as M.L.

4 Weeks and going strong

   "After years of repentance and striving to become clean again, I finally became broken and humble enough for the Lord to teach me the things that I needed to learn. I’m going to tell you just how the Lord had mercy on me and how he changed my heart.

            

   On Monday, March 2, 2015 I had my last lost battle. I gave up. I had been clean for almost 2 weeks. After losing that battle, I felt more depressed than I have ever felt. At that point I was truly broken. I began to doubt God. I went to him in prayer asking him why he wasn’t helping me. I told him that I had been implementing daily scripture study and I felt like I was being diligent in praying daily. I felt that I was not receiving the strength that I felt I deserved and so desperately needed. By the end of the day I had repented for the things that I had done that day. I didn’t feel like my heart was necessarily in it, but I just did it anyway so that I wouldn’t have as much guilt hanging over my shoulders. Tuesday came, I was busy all day and wasn’t tempted very much.

            

   On Wednesday, March 4, 2015, I woke up around 6:30. I was on call for work and didn’t think I would get called in. I knew it was going to be a tough day. At about 7:00, Satan put a thought in my mind to lose a battle. He told me that everyone would gone at 8:00 and I would have the house to myself. I accepted it. I didn’t even put up a fight. I started to kill time until everyone left because in that moment the only thing I wanted to do was lose a battle. I hopped in the shower and began getting ready for the day. I felt a prompting to pray for help. I didn’t want to follow this prompting because in that moment I literally wanted to lose a battle. I prayed anyway. All that I said was “Dear Heavenly father, please help me. Amen.” I began to think about my reasons for fighting: My mission that I desperately want to go on, my future wife who I want to protect, and my family now that I want to make proud. I began to feel my thinking leave the middle part of the brain and return to my values area in the frontal lobe. I felt warrior chemistry begin to kick in. In that moment, I received a little more strength. I got out of the shower, went to my room and started reading “Like dragons did they fight” By Maurice Harker. My mom came down and told me she knew it would be a hard day but that she believes in me. I texted Cody Hawes, my councilor, I told him that I needed help. He quickly called me and talked me out of losing a battle. He told me ways that I could gain strength. After I spoke with him, I wrote a note to my sister telling her how much I love her and how great she is. I went to the gym and bought a membership. (I hate the gym. I used to work at one and have no desire to go there anymore).  I knew it was something that would keep my busy in the morning and help me, so I just did it. I went to 2 places to get my sister lunch. They were both closed since it was 9:00 in the morning, but I tried. I got home and had extra strength, but still had no idea how I would get through the day. I received a text from a guy in my ward who is about 38 years old and used to snowboard professionally. We are good friends and he knows my current situation. In that text he said “I have 2 free passes to Powder Mountain today. Wanna go?” Of course I wanted to go! That sounded awesome. He said he would pick me up around 10:30. At about 9:30, my manager called me saying he had shift for me. I faked sick and told him I had been throwing up all morning. That probably wasn’t the best idea but keep in mind that it had just snowed a lot the day before! After that, my cousin texted me and said “Do you want to go to the shooting range?” That sounded super fun too, but I told him I was going snowboarding. I spent most of that day snowboarding and enjoying all of the fresh powder. I was busy all day and was able to stay clean.

            

   When I returned home, I realized that the Lord had given me an escape. But not just an escape, he gave me 3!  He let me choose which one I wanted to take. Since this happened, I have not lost another battle.  The Lord hasn’t stopped either. He has given me so many more experiences like this and blessed me with so many great tender mercies. These kinds of things happen all of the time now because I have learned to follow promptings. Now that I am winning my battles, I am so much happier. I have more confidence than I have ever had before. I now write 3-4W1 on my hand every day. 3-4 for March 4^th, to remind me to follow promptings. W to think of all women in white, especially women who are dressing immodestly, and 1 to remind me to put the kingdom of God first and all things will be added unto me.

            

   My advice to young men who are struggling with Pornography, or anyone repenting and continuing to make mistakes is to be patient. Humble yourself and try to learn what it is the Lord could be teaching you. He is completely aware of you and your current circumstance. He is anxious to open up the windows of Heaven and bless you, and I’m sure he already is blessing you a lot. My success began when I started focusing on what the Lord was doing to help me instead of only looking at what Satan was doing to ruin me. Have faith, once you have been able to learn from you trials, you will be set free. I now know that Christ lives and I know that he has the power to change our hearts. I know that because he has changed mine. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." M.L.

Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW
Life Changing Services Clinician

lifechangingservices.org

1-877-HERO-877