"That's just who you are"

           A story about Mighty Change by-            

          A General of The Sons of          

 Helaman Program 

I had struggles with pornography from a pretty early age. I believe I was around 11 when I first fell into it. In the beginning it wasn’t very often that I would fall, maybe once a month or less. I didn’t dare tell anyone. I am not sure if I even recognized it as what everyone was warning against. Satan did a very good job keeping me ignorant. In my head it wasn’t an addiction, it was just a small problem I had. I thought I could just stop.

                As the next couple years went by my addiction got continually worse. As I hit the age of 13 I started to realize the mess I was in. It was almost every day I was losing my battle with Satan. I hadn’t told anybody. And this secret built up with large amounts of Shame, guilt, embarrassment, and a lack of self worth started taking a huge toll on my identity. A lot of people say they start to live two different lives. This was not the case for me. Every aspect of my life was sinking. I had no ability to have simple conversation with anyone. Satan had such a great hold on my mind that almost every thought that I had about myself came from him. While talking to anyone I was continually bombarded with debilitating thoughts, thoughts that would kill my confidence and cause me to want to end any interaction with people. I became incredibly closed off. I would snap at the slightest thing my family would say to me. I would spend great amounts of time by myself doing worthless things just to kill time. I really didn’t have any desire to live. I completely believed the lie “that’s just who you are”, a worthless kid who doesn’t have any future. In this state of depression, God would still give me spouts of encouragement. I would still try to fight this addiction, I would fail miserably, not being able to go more than a few days without succumbing, but I would try.

                One day I was feeling really good. I was sure I was not going to lose that day. The day started off great and after school I was feeling enlightened. Out of nowhere I was bombarded with an attack from Satan to get me to lose. I fell succumb and lost. I sat at the computer not believing what I had done. I realized at that moment that I had absolutely no control of my own life. It was a feeling of complete hopelessness. There was nothing else I could do I thought.  Nothing more to put in. No more amount of will power that I could muster, I had given it my all and I still didn’t make it through the day. I walked slowly to my bedroom and fell to the floor. I prayed harder then I ever had. The prayer wasn’t to help me get out of this mess, it wasn’t a promise to never fall again, I had already told God that too many times, I just told him that I gave up. I could not do it. I just talked to him about my failure. That I was not going to overcome this addiction. The incredibly powerful feeling of the spirit came to me. It told me I needed to walk upstairs that instant and tell my parents. A great and terrible amount of fear came over me. I knew this was something I could not do. I told my Father in Heaven that I could not do it. Again the feeling came. I told God of my deep desire to tell them, but that I did not have the strength to do so. Heavenly Father was mindful of my weaknesses that day. I promised him I would give it my all to tell them about my addiction but I needed his power and strength. Before I realized what was happening my knees were lifted from the floor. Step by step I was moved forward by my Father in Heaven towards my parent’s bedroom. As I felt my Father lift me up and stumble with me, I received the necessary support to sit down with my dad and explain my situation. That was the first time in a very long time I had felt that love.

                With several talks with my parents they convinced me to go to the Sons of Helaman Program. I was very hesitant but I was willing to go. I remember that the first week I was really scared. I couldn’t look at anyone in the eye. I didn’t know how to talk to peers, let alone about an addiction to pornography. Very quickly however I became really comfortable with these guys. In the beginning of me going to group I would never stay clean for more than a couple weeks. I think it had to do with the idea that I was so comfortable with the addiction that it wasn’t a super pressing issue in my head. Satan would falsely calm me down and say that I would do it eventually and I didn’t need to worry about it. I spent the next couple years in this attitude, completely miserable. I did not gain a whole ton out of Sons of Helaman because I wasn’t putting in that much. I would talk in group as if I was trying so hard but I would just kind of forget about fighting when I went home.

Then I started doing something really dumb. I started to lie again. My mom would ask me if I was still winning, and even if I had lost just recently I would be startled by the question and squeak out a “yes”. I’m sure she knew that I wasn’t really winning. I would never let myself graduate or go too far with the lies. I claimed that I would mess up every 9 weeks or so. When in reality I wasn’t lasting more than a few days. When I was about 15 and I started to realize that dating was coming up and becoming a priest and my problem became more and more urgent in my head. I started recognizing the great amounts of depression that I had and started successfully pinning it on my addiction. I realized that it wasn’t just me. I naturally wasn’t a depressed kid. I started doing everything I could to win. I stopped lying and took responsibility for my actions. I would pray hard, and read my scriptures. I wasn’t reading every day, and I would beat myself up for not doing that, but I think my Father in Heaven noted my trying and he blessed me because of it. I still felt so self-conscious of who I was. I would see people around me and see their lives as perfect. I truly thought that most people didn’t struggle in life period. Satan told me that I just wasn’t reaching the bar and that there was nothing I could do to reach it.

I remember the first couple times that I reached five or six weeks clean. It was a sense of peace that I will never forget. Recognize that I still was being fed lies of self-loathing and I wasn’t socially normal. The fear of social events was still there, but the guilt was gone. For the first times in my life it was as if I received a breath of fresh air. Then I would lose my battle and my head was shoved underwater again. The peace would be gone, however with these first couple instances I gained a sense of hope. A realization that my life was not doomed to misery. By the time I was 16 and 17 I was consistently making it to eight weeks perfect before falling. I remember the concept that when I would be this far in weeks I would roll my windows down and just feel the peace in my heart. I would just drive and drive just because it felt free and good.  I was starting into high school and I met new kids at school. This allowed me to gain a semi fresh start on my social life and I practiced having regular conversations. I started having groups of friends. This is when I started to feel the idea that I was living a double life style. I wasn’t socially fantastic but I could get by without people thinking I was super weird, and that felt great, but then I was still would lose to this addiction every so often. And when I would lose it took me a while brush myself off and keep fighting. Those moments were very difficult for me.

                I finally graduated the program and overcame my addiction to pornography at the age of eighteen. I honestly can say I don’t think there was anything different about the time that I finally went all the way, and graduated the program. The entire roller coaster of a life I had had was a learning process. Every time I fought I would get better and better. I was constantly growing even though I didn’t see it at the time. I continued to go back every week to help others with the addiction. I was finally free and started to feel happy.

                In the February of 2012, my senior year I was called to serve in the Arizona, Tucson Mission speaking Spanish. I, for so many years, really didn’t believe that I would be able to go. My mission was the hardest thing I have ever accomplished. God put me on a fast track on my mission and I learned more then I possibly knew I could. I gained an ability to build and nurture relationships with people, which I never had done previously. I learned how to truly communicate and listen to people. I started to build my ability to have charity. I became someone who was extremely social and could and would talk to everyone around me. I can honestly say that I came home a very different person. One who had a complete conversion to my Savior.

                After my mission I got back into volunteering in the Sons of Helaman program which eventually turned into a job. I am currently apart of the starting up of the Elite Missionary Training course that Life Changing Services provide. My life is a busy, and fulfilling one. I am truly happy. I still struggle with so many things in life but I know that my Father has a plan for me and will always lead me to a place of repentance and change.

               I know that anyone out there who is struggling with this addiction can be led to cleanliness. I promise that if you don’t give up and just keep on pushing towards Christ you will be free.

To know more about the Sons of Helaman Program or Cody Hawes, creator of the Mighty Change blogspot please call 1-877-HERO-877 or go to lifechangingservices.org.