“How do I know if he’s looking at that stuff? Is it even important to know?”

Dear Friend,

I work with young/single adult men on a daily basis. They are wonderful… leaders of their school, church and for the most part they have big dreams and aspirations. You are around these guys on a daily basis, they often have great answers to questions during class and they can be seen as some of the most charming and handsome in the school.

One thing that many of them have in common is: they have ALL been exposed to pornography, whether driving down the street on billboards, on the internet and even fashion magazines their mothers collect. These things may seem minor but the more they observe these things the more potential it has to decrease confidence, and increase addiction to inappropriate images.

Some of these young men can do some great work on their own and are able to kick these images out right away but for the majority, their curiosity catches up to them. They start a trek on a very jagged path of hidden behavior and are even over taken by toxic guilt and shame which is binding.

Ok, enough of that background. You are probably educated on this already… if not, you are welcome. :) Here are some things to consider as you start to date or even consider marrying a young man:

Remember that the young man you will date in the future will have been exposed to pornography, whether soft or hard. Please ask them to what level they have been exposed. I know it’s awkward but it’s important for you to know this information. (I will give you reasons why a bit later)

Possible question for your boyfriend- Hey _______ , I know and you know that porn is out there. It is important for me to know how you’ve dealt with it. Can you tell me about that?

If the young man answers to the affirmative about his exposure, compliment him on his honesty. It takes real courage to admit he has seen it.

Ask him what he has been doing to recover from it. If he is trying to recover on his own tell him he would benefit greatly by getting extra help from the people who care for him (Bishop, parents, a counselor, a friend who may have the same issue or look into a recovery program like Sons of Helaman program, Addiction Recovery Program, Fight the New Drug and others).

Also, suggest great books out there that help them gain greater education about addiction (“Like Dragons Did They Fight” by Maurice Harker, “Putting on the Armor of God” by Stephen A. Cramer, “Love you, Hate Porn” by Dr. Mark Chamberlain, research material from Fight the New Drug web site)

If he says he does not have any issues with it. Ask him, “How have you been able to avoid it? What have you done to make sure it can’t get into your life? What is your plan to keep it out? These questions dig deep and let him know that you will not put up with that behavior in your relationships. 

The majority of the time, this will prompt the young man to make changes if he does have the problem.  You will also be able to discern, by his answers, if he does indeed have a problem. Pay attention to your “Creepy Guy Detector” going off. You can even go as far as taking some time off the relationship if he vehemently denies any exposure. A three day break sets up your clear disgust for any sexual misbehavior and he will see how serious you are about not letting that into your life or future relationships. 

Friend,

I have the awesome opportunity to help couples afflicted by sexual misbehavior on a daily basis. Sweet wives who want to be secure around their husbands, who want to trust them again but have been caught so off-guard that the trauma to their marriage overwhelms their faith in it.  I have seen enough hearts broken by misbehaving men to make it my mission to help prepare you for your beautiful future and eternal marriage to young men who master the art of Providing, Presiding and Protecting with power.  I value you very much and I counsel young men daily to value you for all of your goodness, virtue and beauty.

Now, it’s up to you…is it important for you to know? 


Cody Hawes MSW, LCSW
Life Changing Services
lifechangingservices.org
1-877-HERO-877